As I read the replies that other bloggers had about death and dying, it occured to me that I've been in the middle of a death tornado since I was 14. I know a lot about how people die, what kills them (no, it isn't me), and how the remaining living cope with it. Right now, I'm under the influence of a healthy dose of Lortab, because I had a headache that threatened to blow the top of my head off. All this was brought on by my sister, a stage 4 cancer patient who seems to pride herself on being "non-compliant." So far, her blood pressure reached an all time low of 52/38 and her blood O2 level was at 62%. The reason I'm giving all this information is because sometimes, and it's not as rare as I originally thought, a person with a terminal disease will be "in the fight" and face all types of treatment options and take just about any medication to ward off death from anything other than natural causes (heck, who wouldn't?). But there is this small thought that ran through my head tonight (there's a lot of room in my head and it doesn't take a lot of time to cross it) that a person who's been fighting off certain death for the sake of their loved ones might just quit. Cease to care. Stand down. Call it whatever you like. BUT, not tell anyone but themselves. This leaves the "support team" thinking that "we're all in this for ___________" when in fact, they're not. Only because the "victim" won't admit their decision to anyone. I KNOW this is the kind of behavior that you'd expect, but what I'm after here is pure honesty. Just tell me you've had enough, and I'll make your remaining days as comfortable as I possibly can, but DON'T bring me into a fight where all I can do is lose. When the dust settles, the finger pointing and self doubt begin. No secrets, even if they hurt. She's my closest living relative. I should not have to ask. Is there anyone who can refute me on this? I want to know who on this planet would not want to know that the person they care most about, the person they'd trade places in a heartbeat with, has decided to go out peacefully on their own terms, instead of making everyone around them think they're "in the battle." I will accept a decision in either direction. All I've done since age 14 (and I'm 47 now) is watch people I love die, and sometimes very slowly and painfully from diseases I didn't know existed. I will not stop loving or caring for others. My heart and soul belong to the Lord and I take great comfort in the fact that I know who's really in control. All I want to know is why there has to be secrets when it's the most important time to be open and honest. I'm not asking God "why is this happening to her?" because I don't have that privilege, and I'll never doubt or question my Creator. It's probably a good thing I've got all that Lortab on board. Otherwise, I'd be hurting in some all too familiar places. I'm not sure if I deserve that.